Moving Story

And from the Department of In Case You Missed it, comes this tail, er, tale.

An idiot and his equally qualified wife go to the annual Sex Show. They buy products.

Idiot then has 10 beers and several cocktails.

Now he gets into his car and heads home along Highway One to Langley. (Shouldn't there be some law against Valley Folk coming into the Big City more than once a year?)

Wife wants to look at the vibrator they bought, but can't get the package open.

Hubbie, the genius behind the wheel, fights with the plastic packaging while driving and then, in a stroke of sheer brilliance, inserts the batteries...while driving.

Farmer Brown's Little Woman decides that now that her new toy is fully manned and operative, she'll give it a little spin.

The idiot's defense in court yesterday for his impaired driving charge is that he was distracted by his wife trying out her new vibrator.

You cannot write material like this. It just falls out of the sky.

Millions of people have had sex in automobiles, including moving automobiles. Imagine being a failure at even that!

Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder - For Once in my life

Tony originally found this great song and recorded it, but Stevie heard it and recorded it in a big up-tempo as-only-Stevie-can-do-it way and it went through the roof.

Now, here they are together singing live as they do on the "Duets" album.

Is this one of the great collaborations or what?

LEGALLY BLOND

Vancouver City Councillor, Kim Capri, who like most of her colleagues, voted against giving the police more manpower (Can we say such a thing these days without the Policewomen's League putting us in handcuffs?), has now taken to doing "ride-abouts" with the cops. And lo! She has found - wait for it - that people who fall out of bars late at night sometimes PEE AND FIGHT IN THE STREET!!!

Never saw a western movie.

Never stayed for an extra barley sandwich after closing.

Never, apparently, left her front lawn before now.

And, gosh, now that she's seen the yellow light, something's just got to be done, to be done, to be done, done, done.

How do these folks get elected? And what happens to them the day after they are elected?

Meanwhile...in the capital city of Oz...

Auditor-general, Arn van Iersel, is afraid to go to his office because there are addicts and homeless people shooting up and fornicating right there in public in Bastion Square.

Doesn't Arn see the march of Human Progress here? Usually, addicts are too stoned to screw.

Well here are the solutions for Kimmie Bear and Arn.

For Kim, just keep giving the bars all the possible leeway you can to pour all the bad hooch at all the idiots they can for as late into the wee hours as you and your council will allow.

And for Arn, just import Vancouver's progressive mentality and give the poor addicts some free and better quality stuff every morning so they'll go back to being too stoned to do the other thing.

You see how easy this all is when we can all agree on "an integrated approach?

VANOC BLUES...and REDS...and GREENS

Yesterday, I was walking along Hornby street midday, heading in the general direction of the Hotel Vancouver.

My mother – may she rest in peace – taught me many years ago that the biggest, best hotel in town is always the best place a) for a cup of coffee, and b) for a pee. Although, pay special attention to not getting these missions confused one with the other. I highly recommend the Danieli in Venice. You just stroll right in like you’re paying 1700 euros a night for a canal view, through the mahogany and glass rotating door, past the front desk and the main lounge on the left and straight into the back hall. The bathrooms are all marble and fine towels. Make sure you smile at the concierge on the way out and mumble a deep-throated “Signore,” as you head back onto the Riva Della Schiavoni. (above)

So, I’m walking along Hornby and these two geniuses next to me are discussing the great inconvenience and apparent horror of those dirty, messy people who have been protesting the Olympic clock.

“Put a sniper up there. That’s all you have to do.”

Tops in citizenship, yep. Let’s get this guy his award.

Meanwhile…

VANOC and all its familiar faces are finding themselves on the road to Damascus. Suddenly, after spending untold millions of taxpayers’ dollars, it has come to these otherwise bright fellows that perhaps, just perhaps, they might expose their daily machinations to the great unwashed. “Transparency,” “openness, “ these have become the new watchwords. Why, the teachers and ditch diggers and latte makers might want some inkling on how their hard earned wages are actually being spent on the Big Snow Party. Imagine, the nerve!

O.K. Let’s talk about that. Let’s hunker down – in camera, of course – and figure out when and how we might open the pig pen. Being careful, of course, not to let in those protesters or any other nasties.

We now await humbly and with baited breath for their benevolence.

Meanwhile…

The Prime Minister wheels into town, and in a big public display, accompanied by the Preem, he announces scads of taxpayers’ money for reducing the emissions of greenhouse gasses. So far so good.

But, wait. An Oddity. There will be a demonstration project called “the hydrogen highway.” No, this will not be a place where addicts will suck hydrogen in replacement for their usual poison. No, this will be a place where cars can tank up on hydrogen for their new “green” cars. O.K. But here’s the oddity. The project is located…wait for it…between Vancouver and Whistler!

Vancouver and Whistler, uhuh. Any particular reason for this choice? How about Highway One between here and Hope, or twelve other locations?

Can you say, “Big Snow Party,” kids?

FASHION FLASH!

We post this as a matter of High Cultural importance!

Get with the program, Bunky!

COMING SOON TO A WALMART NEAR YOU !!!
What you see here are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and these are the current rage in Japan. They'll be the rage here in the USA soon. I forward this as a public service, so you won't have a heart attack when the rage reaches the USA.

No wonder Wal-Mart is doing so well!

What's in a Word?

Why I associate local politician John Reynolds with the Tintoretto exhibit currently in view in the Prado I have no idea. But lucky for you, eh? How else would I have found an excuse to show you the master's St. Mary Magdelen opposite?

Tintoretto is one of the Famous Five of Venetian fame (Titian, Veronese and ???). As far as we know, he hardly ever left town. How could he? He was painting practically every surface he could find - walls, ceilings, floors, stairs. If you never go anywhere else to look at Renaissance art, go for sure to the Scuola Grande di San Rocco in Venice and have your mind utterly boggled by the genius and scope and sheer output of this fellow.

If nothing else, such a visit will allow you to forget for a grateful moment the silliness and skulduggery of the current shenanigans in Our Town.

Why - many have been asking - are two "retired" politicians, John Reynolds and Joy McPhail, making the media rounds and stumping for His Peculiarness, The Mayor of Vancouver, in aid of his utterly destructive program of replacing pills for heroin shots and coke snorts? Why indeed.

Now, it has been suggested by those so much more cynical than I that the answer is the oldest answer in the books - money. Moreover, some have had the gall to suggest that Dr. Strangelove has enlisted the financial help of a somewhat shady character, who is currently under investigation for internet fraud, to fund the famously badly named "Inner Change" program. (How giving a dope fiend one substitute drug for another can be imagined as effecting "inner change" is a mysterious leap that most of us are unwilling or unable to make.)

Then, this morning, to our immense entertainment comes a feature in The Daily Rag in which Mr. Reynolds makes a very strong point of declaring that he is not a lobbyist, that he hasn't broken any post-Member of Parliament promises, and that "I am not making a penny out of this."

You are all entitled to believe what you will.

But some questions are worth consideration.

Why and when and how did Mr. Reynolds and Ms. McPhail suddenly develop such strong interests in drug programs, when, in both their long and storied political careers, neither showed any such interest?

Doesn't Ms. McPhail spend most of her days and nights in Los Angeles of late with her husband, the Movie Maker? Why this? Why now? Why here?

There are many more layers of paint behind these curious pictures, boys and girls. Perhaps some day a restoration expert will be brought to the Truth.

A Love Supreme

Now this is the piece I tried several times yesterday without success to post. It's not Coltrane his true self, but Branford is pretty darn good in his own right and the sound quality is, of course, superior.

John Coltrane -' My Favourite Things'

Today is the birthday of THE definitive sax player. And this is one of my favorite things of all time. 'Trane takes a deceptively simple folk melody by Rogers and Hammerstein and changing it into a modal composition, he transforms the piece into something unforgettable.

Heart of My Heart

The news today is entirely personal.

At 9 o'clock this morning, I was on a treadmill at UBC's cardiology department. I lasted 14 minutes with steadily increasing pace and elevation and got my heart rate up to 142 beats per minute. This is a lot more than my customary 57 or 60 at rest.

All of this in aid of my semi-annual "stress test," which is necessitated by what is laughingly called "an episode" in June 2005. The episode (chest, shoulder, throat and lower jaw pains) was a textbook case of angina and that resulted in the inevitable angiogram and angioplasty. The latter is the now almost routine procedure in which a "stent" is inserted into a plaque-blocked artery. The day I had my operation, 20 more such procedures were performed at Vancouver General alone.

I "passed" today's test with flying colors, as they say. No hitches, glitches or sudden spikes on the pages of red and grey print-out graph.

I've now made a commitment to go back on a "statin" drug. I've been advised that my excellent diet and disciplined exercise regimen is doing all it reasonably can to lower my "bad" cholesterol, and that only such medication will really aid in getting the numbers to the lower levels I should have.

Such is life.

Twenty or so years ago, all of the above would have statistically been a fairly immediate death sentence.

With luck and good food and those regular walks and swims and bike rides and tennis games and the first rate attention of Dr. Izzerow and his gang, I might just last another 20 years or more.

But, no fear.

I'll still be the cranky, miserable s.o.b. I've always been. Nothing beats consistency.

ANNOUNCEMENT: THE KING IS GONE

With considerable regret, I tell you all and sundry that I cannot perform the role of Claudius in the upcoming production of "Hamlet," scheduled for the Jericho Arts Centre May 11-26.

I am beginning a new job on April 1st (Community Liason for Langara College), about which I am very excited and enthusiastic, and the rehearsal schedule for the Shakespeare was impossible to mesh with my new responsibilities.

C'est la vie!

To Irina and all the cast of "Hamlet," I say, "Break a leg!"

To all else, go see it and support independent theatre in Our Town.

Madness in the 'Hood

Kam & Kim Poon and their son have been serving great coffee and delicious bird's nest cookies to regulars at 14th and Granville since '95.

Their landlord is a Prince Among Princes named Bao Pham. Mr. Pham recently evicted the SOMA Cafe near Main & Broadway to open his own shop. Now he is evicting the Poons from their Bean Around the World.

Wait. Mr. Pham isn't totally heartless. He did offer to let these folks stay on, with a small caveat - a rent raise from $7,000 to $9,000/month. Hey, it's only 29%.

Mr. Pham hasn't yet decided if he'll just expand Caffe Barney, which is next door, or if he'll take over the Poon's Bean Around the World.

O.K. There's still good news and bad news.

The good news is the Poon family has found a new location up the street at 3007 Granville St. The bad news is they can't take the "Bean Around the World" name with them. Such is the life of a franchisee.

Now, I'm confident that the Poon family is going to do just fine, thank you very much. They have a regular following and the change in location is all of about 100 feet.

BUT. Is this how City Hall and our exalted Mayor work on the "Civil City?" Is this how we facilitate small business, which is often the backbone of our tax base?

Right.

How Governments Spend Your Money

Yahoo News:
Polar bears, sea ice and global warming are taboo subjects, at least in public, for some U.S. scientists attending meetings abroad, environmental groups and a top federal wildlife official said on Thursday.[..]

The matter came to light in e-mails from the Fish and Wildlife Service that were distributed by the Natural Resources Defense Council and the Center for Biological Diversity, both environmental groups.

Listed as a "new requirement" for foreign travelers on U.S. government business, the memo says that requests for foreign travel "involving or potentially involving climate change, sea ice, and/or polar bears" require special handling, including notice of who will be the official spokesman for the trip.[..]

Two accompanying memos were offered as examples of these kinds of assurance. Both included the line that the traveler "understands the administration's position on climate change, polar bears, and sea ice and will not be speaking on or responding to these issues.

This tale, taken from Crooks and Liars and Yahoo News, is now being re-worked as a spectacular Broadway musical called, "Polar Bear Blues." Chris Rock, Kid Rock and The Rockettes have signed on.

Frank Sinatra - Old Man River

Speaking of Frank...here's one of the greatest songs ever written by an American - Jerome Kern for "Showboat" - sung by the Chairman of the Board.

This video, by the way, was originally posted on Youtube by our buddy, Bill Taylor!

Shirley Bassey LADY IS A TRAMP - WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER

Continuing our little series of honoring the great composers of "The American Songbook," here's a killer version of "Lady is a Tramp," from Pal Joey. Of course, Sinatra owned this number, but this is pretty hot.

ADIO, TRANSCLUNK

Provincial Transportation Minister Kevin Falcon may or may not be right in seizing control of Translink away from the GVRD. Time, ridership and money will tell.

But we can surely all rise to our feet in huge thanks that the likes of Richmond Mayor Malcolm Brodie will no longer be at the wheel. Considering the marvelous job Mr. B has done in steering the fortunes of The Garden City of late, what confidence could any of us had in his leadership (???) at Transclunk.

In comparison, George Puil was Leonardo, Mozart and Steve Jobs rolled into one.

Stephen Harper, Man of Mystery

So?

I don't want to know him. I don't want to love him. I don't want to laugh or have coffee with him or any other Prime Minister, for that matter.

I want the Prime Minister to take care of business. Stop.

Jean Chretien was a loveable scamp, a delightful rascal. And what a great job he did for all of us...or should that be on all of us?

So Canwest is telling us that Mr. H. is a mystery. That's news? Didn't Anna Nicole Smith die again today? No more grisly murder trials to cover? No more harm reduction programs to endorse?

NEWT-ERED

Nobody cares if Newt Gingrich had an affair or two affairs or if he's a serial cheater. Well, that's not entirely accurate. Many Americans will care, and Focus on the Family cares enough to out the man live on the radio. Although that may have been a pre-ordained stunt to confess one's sins in public and get the pardon from the good Reverend Dobson and the several millions of sheep's votes that will come with it. Not baaaaaad.

I don't care how many wives or girlfriends or boyfriends or barnyard animals the man has been intimate with.

No, what is truly galling and most telling about the qualities of this creep is how he ditched his first two wives.

Wife One, he called on the phone to ask her hand in divorce while she was at her mother's 84th birthday party.

Wife Two, he served divorce papers on her while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer!

Be warned. maybe you think George Bush is bad. You'd be right, of course. But, be warned - this geek could be the next President of the United States of America.

Annie Lennox Every Time We Say Goodbye

How about one of the great modern singers delivering one of Cole Porter's great, sad masterpieces?!

"Why the god's above me, who must be in the know.."

Who is Writing lyrics like this?

"There is no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor..." WOW!

Justice Tilting Again

Justice is portrayed by a statue of a woman holding a set of balances. She is blindfolded, is she not?

Well... at least in this painting by Giordano, we can see she has a lot on her hands. Let's hope she had a healthy and nutritious breakfast recommended by Health Canada, or Food Canada, or Brekkie Canada.

But, I wander...

Here in British Columbia, Lady Justice is beaten about the head and shoulders with marvelous and consistent regularity. So much so, that your average guygal on the street, doesn't believe we actually have any justice.

And little wonder.

Compare 2 recent cases.

There's the 10-month sentence for professional objector Betty Krawczyk. And there's the no sentence at all for 2 creepy guys who stole over $1Million from CIBC bank. One of the guys happens to be related by marriage to the Premier.

It doesn't matter that Betty is a granny and that she's a woman. This is a clear case of the court having a temper tantrum, when all they had to do was charge her with trespassing. Forget that she is a personal hero of mine. Forget that there are thousands like me who delight in her refusals to go along with the crowd. Forget that many of us insist on seeing Betty as the poster girl for Thoreau and civil disobedience. She has no business being sent to jail, period.

Then there are Mr. Walls and Mr. Millard of Prince George fame who were busy pulling one of the oldest and most tired con games in the books - kiting bad cheques from one account to another to keep a failing enterprise afloat. These clowns are right out of "Fargo." You can almost hear them whining like Jerry Lundegaard (William Macy in the movie), "Hey, I'm cooperatin' here!"

But watch them dance down the highway now, clicking there little heels together, all rehabilitated magically by the apparent shame they've been feeling of late.

Happy ending, no?

THE DAILY NUMBER

2000.

That's the number of police officers now in training in Austria to prepare for the soccer lunatics who will emerge in full drunken revelry for the Euro 2008 tournament.

Well!

Thank god, we'll all be safe from the threat of 11-year old girls in head scarves!