He Doesn't Know His Own Power

Wee Gordie's done it again.

The Preem gets all hot and bothered listening to a kids chorus in Newfoundland last year. He invites them all to sing at the Games.

They rehearse 92 hours a day, 22 days a week for the last 12 months. The parents raise travel money and so on. Expectations are high.

Of course, The Number One Bonehead had no authority to invite these children to cross the street. The deal is off. There never was a deal. The kids are going nowhere.

Who the hell does he think he is anyway? The IOC? VANOC?

You're just the Premier, Gord, Get over it.

Now, he doesn't have egg on his face.

He's plastered with a great coast-to-coast fritatta.

Nice going.

The Soup - age 83

When I was in my early 20's, I used to make a point of being home in the late afternoon so I would never miss The Soupy Sales TV Show.

I think It was a children's show, but if it was, it was the hippest kids show ever.

And falling down funny.

Watch this clip of Soupy with Fang.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As7MaQSc7qc&feature=related

In 1983, when I began "A Little Berner in the Night" on CJOR radio, the first celebrity I interviewed was Soupy Sales. He was on the phone from New York.

He absolutely loved it when I told him that I held him right up there with the Three B's - Benny, Burns and Berle. He laughed his head off, which allowed me to demand, "So how come your name don't begin with a B?"

We did the whole interview on tape in the afternoon to play later that night.

He was impossibly funny.

I thanked him and hung up the phone.

I rewound the tape and settled in to listen to this pure gold.

Of course, I had forgotten to press the little red "RECORD" button. I have always been so technology challenged. To this day, I am only a blink away from needing someone to come over and turn on the lights.

Now, here's chutzpah...

I phoned Soupy right back.

I explained my terrible gaffe and he said, "So, David...you want me to do the whole thing over again?"

This was about a half hour piece.

Guess what?

He said, "Start the tape, press the red button, you shmock, and let's go."

Milton Supman has passed away at the age of 83.

CRUELTY IN BUREAUCRATIC GARB IS STILL CRUELTY

We've spoken several times in recent days in this space about cuts to programs for mentally ill and addicted people on Vancouver Island.

Of course, those cuts of monies for important services are not restricted to the Island Health Authority.

The lovely and compassionate Kevin Falcon is being even-handed and fair in his demands across the board for everyone to suffer equally.

Justine Hunter has given us first-rate coverage of this mess in today's Globe.

Her opening lines sets the tone:

"The only residential addictions treatment program for youth in B.C.'s northwest is closing.

Struggling parents in the Downtown Eastside can count on less support to get them to counselling.

Over in Victoria, seniors' support is slashed and caseworkers for the mentally ill are laid off."

Read the piece and think hard about how you will vote in the next election.

This administration has become a poster child for "penny wise and pound foolish," as it squanders billions of ego-projects and attacks the weak and vulnerable with tiny cutbacks that mean the world to people who already have so little.

JUSTICE STRIKES AGAIN

A man killed two women and injured a number of others.

He crashed his truck into a sushi restaurant in Maple Ridge. Boy, do those dynamite rolls pack a punch!

Keeping in line with our great track record in jurisprudence here in Canerda, Brian Irving was found not criminally responsible for his actions. He killed two women.

Apparently, Irving was in a "disordered" mental state at the time. His particular affliction? Alcohol withdrawal.

You can't make this stuff up.

By the way, did I mention he killed two women.

In Toronto, the top of the news wheel for to days now has been the story about the shop owner on Dundas in Chinatown who spotted a crook who is constantly stealing from him. He chased the creep down, caught him, stuffed him in the trunk of his car and called the police.

His reward?

The shop owner is being charged with assault and confinement and belonging to the wrong congregation.

The law on citizen's arrest says, apparently, that you and I can catch a thief in the commission of a crime, BUT just because we have video tape on the guy stealing from us 29 times in the past week doesn't allow us to grab him when he's just strolling by.

First, change the law.

Second, give this shop owner the keys to the city, our thanks, a citation and an all-expenses paid trip to Bermuda.

MY OLYMPIC TRAVELSMART PLAN

I have seen the Future, and it is Now.

For the next three and a half months leading up to The Blessed Event, Allah be praised, at least one third of all newspaper space will be given over in some form or another to the Olympics. Articles, stories, warnings, ads. It'll be in every section - health, education, sports, show biz, politics and the culinary arts.

Today, in addition to all the other bumf, there was a 3/4 page ad in the Globe.

Here's what it said above the crummy badly staged photo of four actors pretending to be a cross-section representing Canadian citizenry:

Event: The Downtown Freestyle Commute (Get it? Eh? Hahaha. Isn't that cute, Evelyn?)

Plan: We're working from home one day a week and taking transit during the Games.

(Translation: You, yes, you, you stupid rube, should utterly change your life around because that's the cooperative thing to do. Or else.)

Then, in big bold letters...

What's your TravelSmart plan?

Glad you asked.

On February 9th, I'm boarding a flight for Heathrow. The next morning I'll take the shuttle bus over to Gatwick, pick up my next flight and arrive in Venice just before midnight. All on points, of course.

I'll stay at my friend Susan's house and sometime during the three weeks, I'll visit Lugano and /or somewhere in Southern Italy, like, say, Bari or Sicily. Haven't decided.

On March 2nd or 3d (can't remember), I'll fly back home.

Perhaps by then, Granville Street parking may have returned, the sign police may be on a Tim Horton's break and I can drive downtown to do my volunteer work without being arrested.

I know that I am doing my civic duty.

VANOC and the Mayor and the Preem can all thank me of getting out of the way and being one less annoying kvetching whining local who would like to live his or her life regardless of all the terribly important new and short term arrivals.

What are your TravelSmart plans?

Share, share...

AND SPEAKING OF ADDICTIONS...

All us addicts like a good rationalization for our nutty behaviour.

And if the Latest Excuse comes from a third party and better yet an authority like a scientist or someone wise and wonderful, well, hallelujah!

Thus, imagine my glee at discovering today that espresso is good for my liver!

You think I'm grouchy sitting here in my p.j.'s in the morning?

You should see me at 3 pm if somehow the day has interfered with my small cappuccino with skim milk, please. Scareeeee...

I'm quite sure that if a day went by without my fix, my head would explode. For sure. Explode.

And while we're on the subject of Coffee Culture.

Some observations.

Almost any one's coffee is better than Starbucks. But, in a pinch...their cappuccino is not bad.

In Vancouver, the Waves chain is inviting for several reasons. The cappuccino's are excellent. There are about 90 three-pronged electrical outlets per shop making it just about the most computer-friendly environment in town. People are by and large friendly and helpful to one another.

Artigiano may keep winning "barrista" awards and their coffee is first-rate, but their staff has that miserable stupid superior attitude of coldness and superiority and there is roughly one electrical plug per store, a deliberate strategy I am told to keep students and old men who like to write in coffee shops from lingering too long. Wrong approach.

The cafe with WiFi has become the New Universal Living Room.

It is amazing how we all now take this for granted like it'd been here since buffalo.

I've seen it in Washington, DC, Venice, Toronto and Salt Spring Island and I think it's a wonderful spontaneous social development. The kind that be neither predicted nor planned.

You leave your basement apartment or high-rise flat or room in someones house or your grand mansion. You throw your light-weight netpad, notebook, whatever in your bag and head to the coffee shop. It's warm, it's well-lit, the cafe is delicious, the date and carrot slice is tasty, the music is so loud and so intrusive that it quickly just becomes a wash behind your consciousness.

Two days ago, I met a delightful and funny couple from Shanghai. They are both scientists. They were suitably impressed that I can utter a few catch phrases in Mandarin. They gave me a Beijing Olympics book mark and key chain. We exchanged e-mail addresses and promptly put ourselves in MSN Messenger contact.

I still managed to write five new pages on the fourth draft of my book.

Afternoons well spent.

SAFE CRACK-INHALING ROOMS, PART III

Margart Wente has written a marvelous column today about Harm Seduction and the most dangerous man in B.C., our Provincial health Officer, Dr. Perry Kendall.

No smoking allowed (unless it's crack)

Free crack pipes and a safe place to inhale are seen as enlightened social policies.

It's a good one. Give it a read.

LAST CALL

There's still a chance to get a couple of good seats for tonight's concert, Michael Feinstein, The Sinatra Project, at the Orpheum with the VSO.

Not only is Feinstein a terrific singer and piano player, but he is a musicologist who has made an extensive and personal study of The American Songbook (Gershwin, Kern, Rogers & Hart et al.)

TONIGHT WITH THE VSO

THE MAGICAL MYSTERIOUS VANISHING MAYOR

Has anyone seen Gregor Robertson lately?

Is he at home? In a home? Heading home?

In story after story on Snippity Hall, Councillor Geoff Meggs is the lead man.

Which is fine. Geoff's a grown-up and a reasonable guy.

But where is his His Happiness?

O.K. Wait.

He is in the press today. He's pledging that in 10 years (oh puleeeeze...) Vancouver will be the "Greenest City." No cars. No imported cheese products.

Do the Puppet Masters just let G.R. out for these ceremonial occasions?

I don't recall a less visible mayor.

Which may be a fine thing.

I'm not complaining, just asking.

If you know what Gregor is doing these days or where they have him for safe keeping, let us know, will you?

SAFE CRACK-INHALING ROOMS, PART II

The following comes from Jean, a dear friend.

It was sent in as a comment on yesterdays's posting, but it deserves wider exposure.

Jean has done more good and does more good every day in this field than all the local "experts" combined and then some. All she does is turn out clean and sober citizens.

"I have worked in addictions and mental health treatment for over 28 years and a move toward providing places to smoke crack is most disheartening. This would be "safe" and/or "supervised"? Smoking crack is never safe. What is to supervise? The general public should know that crack addicts smoke crack frequently throughout the day and night, not just once a day! To believe that they will hang out at the government funded facility to continue this habitual behaviour all day and night is naive. They go elsewhere and continue the behaviour. This has a negative effect not just on the addict, but on their families and the community in which they live. It is preposterous to believe that smoking up in a "supervised" setting will lead to treatment or even a reduction in use. I'm bothered that any government offical would try to sell that notion to the public. Sounds more like the government is mandating the slow suicide of persons who are willing to use that type of facility just so they can stay high. Does much else really matter to an addict until they receive a wake up call to straighten out for a while? Not really, because folks, their lives centre around the drug taking behaviour. Period. If we, if the government, really wants to do something about the drug problem in Vancouver or elsewhere, we would put money into treatment and provide motivation for addicts to want to go there."

NO NEWS

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been no mention in this blog of Jon & Kate or of Balloon Boy.

Over the past several months, I would be channel surfing and I would run across this repulsive little twerp sitting on a couch and yammering some drivel or other.

I'd give him the required 2.5 seconds and move on.

Turns out this is the now famous Jon of Jon & Kate, etc.

But I have the same question now that I had several months ago.

What is Twerp doing on TV in the first place?

Why is that fat ugly rock star and his fat ugly family on TV all the time?

Who is watching this stuff?

Who is watching that hideous Bounty Hunter guy and his hideous Bounty Hunter chick?

As for Balloon Boy...I don't know and I don't care.

Why is this first rate reporter, Anderson Cooper, diluting his franchise with this non-story?

Watching or paying attention to the likes of the above (Anderson excepted, of course) is deleterious to your health.

Be careful out there.

CONSTABULARY NOTES FROM A FRIEND

Question:

How can you tell the difference between a Canadian, Australian, and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."

What do you do?

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Toronto Star reporter looking for a news breaker?

Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!


AMERICAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

SAFE CRACK-INHALING ROOMS

On Saturday, I wrote in this space about cuts to programs for the mentally ill and the addicted on Vancouver Island.

That story continues with more coverage yesterday and today.

In that context of no money for real needs, how can we explain the deranged rantings of Dr. Perry Kendall, who receives a regular government pay check as the Provincial Health Officer?

Kendall wants you and me to pay for supervised inhalation rooms for crack addicts, saying such facilities would help connect users with treatment programs and help fight the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Aside from the fact that there are almost NO treatment programs and that the addicts who use Insite to shoot heroin almost NEVER end up in treatment programs, what in god's name is Dr. P smoking these days?

Mr. Kendall's support is based on a research paper published Monday in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.

Of course, the so-called study couldn't exactly identify the link between smoking crack and other health problems. The study found that people who smoke crack cocaine are at increased risk of becoming infected with HIV, but did not pinpoint the exact mechanisms behind that link.

The study concluded there is an “urgent need” for public health programs aimed at crack cocaine users, including safer crack kits and supervised inhalation rooms.

Now, in real science, conclusions are not an Olympic activity like JUMPING. In real science, conclusions are arrived at after careful and serious deliberations.

Oh well, never fear.

Egghead to the rescue.

A UBC professor has added this: “The biggest bang for our buck will be taking people who are unengaged in care and getting them engaged in care,” Dr. Conway said, adding that the wait for addiction programs is from seven to 10 days.

The good doctor has no idea what he's talking about.

The wait for addiction programs is 6 months and then some.

The City of Victoria has ONE BED for teenage crack users. One.

Here's what you should do to prevent this evil idiocy.

Send an email today to mayorandcouncil@vancouver.ca

Include this message:

Re: Safe places to smoke crack. If you support this idea, you will automatically lose my vote for another term.

Then look up your local MLA and send him or her the same message.

This is public money. Your money.

It is being squandered in the ugliest and most ineffective way.

REALITY CHECK

Here's a headline:

Bill urges criminal checks for welfare seekers

Housing & Social Development Minister (and we know how much housing and social development he's given us) Rich Coleman tabled a proposal for new legislation yesterday that will require people seeking welfare and DISABILITY benefits to agree to a criminal background check.

Ah, yes, in a tough economy attack the halt and the lame.

Very nice.

I have a better program and I want to see a better headline:
BILL URGES CRIMINAL CHECKS FOR BANKERS, STOCK BROKERS AND POLITICIANS

Excuse me, but...

Of the many billions of dollars that have been lost in the past two or three years due to fraud and theft, how many came from bankers, stock brokers and politicians? All, that's all.

And from welfare recipients and the disabled?

Mr. Coleman and his boss, His Royal Meanness, need their collective heads examined.

Hahahahaha...

GOOD INTENTIONS

The Globe has a special section today called "Report on Small Business."

The lead story is titled "Ready for a Rebound."

All of which is well and good.

Unless...

Unless, of course, you run a small business on Granville Street South between 16th Avenue and 72nd, where there will be NO PARKING in front of your rapidly starving business during a certain 3 week period next February.

How many times has the Premier said in public that small business is the backbone of the local economy?

How many times - besides Cambie Street and Granville Street - has he utterly ignored small business for other triumphs?

FREEDOM TO RENT

Homeowners ignore Olympic rental licence requirement

Only 47 landlords planning to provide accommodation for 2010 Games applied

When I read a headline like this one in this morning's Vancouver Sun, I do not conclude that Vancouverites are a bunch of scofflaws.

Rather, it seems clear to me that common sense has prevailed.

Since when should I have to apply to the City of Gangcouver to rent out my house if I so choose?

The licence fee in Vancouver is $106, in Whistler it is $300 and in West Vancouver the cost is $150.

For which money, I would get what?

A pat on the back? A good citizenship award? Olympic gold?

More like Chump of the Year Medal.

The reason that so few have applied is that this is a johnny-come-lately irrelevant by-law designed to accomplish...[insert your own mystery here.]

Now, having said that...

Am I renting out my house during the Olympics?

No.

You know why?

'cause it's my house and I don't want some coke-addled NBC thrush gumming up my home.

By the way, as you can tell by the photo, my house is in Delta with quick access to the freeway and Tsawwassen and Ladner and the boats to the islands.

Drop by when you're in the 'hood, will ya?

p.s. Please bring milk. The fridge is on the fritz.

Well Orgizmized

Well, it's good to know that at least somone in Canerda has his act together.

Too bad it's the Mafia.

Too bad all those old gags about "cementing" good relationship with government and legit biz are all based on hard-edged reality.

At least, that appears to be the case in La Belle Province.

Oh, yeah.

And Alberta and B.C. too.

(I was appraoching Marine Drive on Cambie Street on Friday and I found myself, stopped at the traffic light, gazing idly at those so attractive cement pillars holding up the new Canada Line and thinking once again about the unavoidable fact - $13 Million/kilometre for LRT vs. $133 Million for SkyJoke. Which raised the age old question: Whose cousin got the cement contract?)

Some intrepid souls are even asking for an inquiry into ties between government, business and organized crime.

Antonio Nicaso, the author if several books on crooks, says, "I don't think in Canada there is political will or commitment to fight organized crime."

All three feral parties...oh, scusa me, federal parties...have refused comment.

Apparently, much of the crime involves bids on construction jobs, which curiously, mysteriously, always always end up being filled by Mafia-controlled companies.

Imagine.

But don't worry.

"We're moving to Las Vegas, Kay, and in five years all of our business interests will be completley ligitimate. Even my father knows that his way of doing business is finished."

NEVER YOU MIND

Jamie Graham, formerly Vancouver's Police Chief and now Victoria's Police Chief, (proving F. Scott Fitzgerald wrong when he said "There are no second acts in American life." Oh, right. Victoria isn't in America.) has come out fighting.

Mental-health cuts mean more homelessness, crime, police chief worries

Vancouver Island Health Authority trims number of caseworkers, hospital beds for the mentally ill

Well, good for him.

He is right, of course.

While VANOC is blessing its employees with $23,000 bonuses, the Vancouver Island Health Authority announced earlier this week that it is reducing the number of caseworkers and hospital beds for the mentally ill.

At the same time, community agencies offering counselling and therapy are losing funding from the health authority. Recent gaming grant cuts had already left many agencies scrambling for cash.

But don't you worry your silly little head over this.

One of the health authorities leading lights, The unfortunately named Alan Campbell said yesterday the cuts won't imperil people with acute mental illness, although people with lesser needs will find it harder to access care.

Mr. Campbell said that even after the cuts announced this week, services for mental health and addictions are better-funded now than they were 18 months ago.

Hahahaha...

This is the very worst and most cynical kind of spin doctoring.

Here is but one example of the damage being inflicted.

Seven case managers from Victoria Mental Health have been let go, leaving 400 people without that support.

Let's say that again, shall we?

Seven case managers from Victoria Mental Health have been let go, leaving 400 people without that support.

In the grand scheme of things, these cuts are lunch money. They are a drop in the sewage polluted waters of Juan de Fuca Straight.

Of course, this is money that is not earmarked for the Sea to Sky High Highway or the Rav Line or the luge or skating oval or the security and traffic management for the Games. So why would it be in any way important to the government that works and lives part time in Victoria?

UNKINDEST CUT

A religious nut case circumcises himself.

Which of course he botches.

Fair enough. Go mutilate yourself. I should care?

But now, the fool has attempted to circumcise his little boy. Which, of course, he botched terribly.

The B.C. Supreme Court has found this so-called father guilty of negligence.

Moral of the story - Home Circumcision is out.

But there is something much more interesting to me about this story.

And it is this:

The man's lawyer is Doug Christie.

Christie has made himself famous defending neo-Nazis across the nation, claiming in case after case that these scum are defenders of "free speech."

As in the right to tell school children in math classes, for example, that Jews are rats, etc.

Christie has positioned himself as a great defender of free speech.

Of course, he argues in the present case that Mr. Home Handy Nut Job was practicing his religious freedoms.

Maybe someday we will learn what it is exactly that drives Mr. Christie to his peculiar choices.