What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the ocean?

One Smart Cop


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene"
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir .. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Forgiveness May Free Your Spirit. It May Also be Way Beside the Point

The family of the young man who was killed by a road rage murderer has forgiven the evil bastard.

And the pastor at the service for the deceased said, "We have to acknowledge that God himself does everything right."

Here's what Jews believe.

G-d is that mysterious unknowable force behind all of life.

G-d is good, yes.

G-d has given humankind free will.

And it is our G-d-given right to piss away any semblance of reasonable or loving behaviour.

How else to explain Hitler?

Thus, we Jews reach a slightly different conclusion than the good pastor.

There is nothing - repeat, nothing - right about this asshole killing a young man with his little truck.

And while the fool may indeed have a soul, which, in time, he may even encounter (preferably in the dark of a prison cell), we here on earth have no need or responsibility to forgive the blighter.

Forgiveness is a particularly Christian notion, which allows millions to feel that Christianity is a major improvement on the old Hebrew school.

But for Jews like me, being freed of the imperative for forgiveness is a blessing.

As Canadian poet Irving Layton once said in a marvelous little poem about seeing some dreadful people in a cafe, "I'm glad I'm not Jesus. I don't have to love them."

Tiger is Simply Amazing

You had to be there.

At least in your living room, watching on TV, as Tiger Woods birdied the final hole to win yet another tournament.

The stats alone are mind-boggling (Read the NY Times coverage here.)

But what made this an unforgettable sports moment was that Tiger was trying to make a 20-foot downhill, sliding putt to win, after missing long putts throughout the entire match.

It was a beauty that left the crowd screaming in appreciation and the TV analysts and hosts wonderfully at a loss for words.

From a friend

Holocaust removed from curriculum... It is a matter of history that when Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps, he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead. He did this because he said in words to this effect: 'Get it all on record now - get the films - get the witnesses - because somewhere down the track of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened'. In Memorial This week............the United Kingdom removed The Holocaust from its school curriculum because............... it 'offended' the Muslim population which claims it never occurred. This is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it. It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated...............while the German and Russia peoples were looking the other way! Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets. This e-mail is intended to reach 40 million people worldwide! Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world. PLEASE Do NOT just delete this. It will take a minute to pass this along. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." a quote of Edmund Burke

Jonathan Baker Explains what to do when The Chips are Down

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority but to escape being consigned to the ranks of the insane" -- Marcus Aurelius

Last Monday Vancouver used its full legal might to prosecute a student who threw a single potato chip at a friend. A bylaw enforcement officer saw it happen and the lad was charged with littering. The Law Department prosecuted and the young man plead guilty. The JP fined him ten dollars.

Co-coincidentally this all happened on the 150th anniversary of the invention of the Potato chip. George Crum, employed as a chef at an elegant resort in New York decided to rile an annoying guest by producing fries that were too thin and crisp to skewer with a fork. The rest is history.

March 10 was also the day that New York Governor Elliott Spitzer was forced out of office. FBI wiretaps revealed he had been purchasing the services of a high priced hooker.

Meanwhile, back in Vancouver, Ken Dobell, our most accomplished lobbyist, plead guilty to engaging in his employment without completing a required form. (He did not know he had to.) More, to be pitied then censured, he was required by the Court to write an essay about lobbying,
It was in New York, however, that Mr. Dobell's profession sort of received its comeuppance. On Wednesday, in the home state of the potato chip, a reporter bluntly asked Spitzer's successor, Governor Patterson if he ever patronized a prostitute.

"Only the lobbyists," he replied.

Then on Thursday it turned out that while Gov Spitzer had been brought to his knees, first by the hooker and then by the FBI, the hooker became an overnight sensation to more than the Governor. She is to be featured in a juried publication, Hustler Magazine! Her songs are the number one down load on the Internet.

For some people things just work out fine.

Regards,Jonathan

PS - I should have fit in the bank robber who was let off by the same judge who handled Dobell's case but I was already over the 200 word limit.

Justice Wallace Craig is Bummed Out

BRING BACK VAGRANCY OFFENCES
Wallace Craig - March 12, 2008 - North Shore News
LET’S go back to a real measure of punishment based on the facts of each crime.
Misplaced compassion overturns the purpose of justice. That’s what happened in the case of Darcy Lance Jones; a 20-year career vagrant “subsisting on the dole, panhandling and petty crime to support a drug habit involving marijuana, crack cocaine and heroin.”
On August 1, 2007 Jones capped his version of citizenship by venomously attacking and robbing 81-year-old retired doctor Peter Collins in Vancouver’s Holy Rosary Cathedral. On Feb. 28, the Vancouver Sun reported the measure of punishment meted out to Jones: a pretend jail sentence of two years less a day – house arrest – to be followed by three years probation. No steel bars, just words on paper.
The headline “Judge flays society in sentencing homeless robber” got my dander up. Did Judge William Kitchen somehow have two victims in mind?: One real victim, the other an imaginary one. Jones, who cleverly waited out the proceedings for six months to gain first consideration in the judge’s mind; and Collins, a kindly, old, law-abiding citizen who was effectively transformed from a victim of violence into a sacrificial lamb in order to enable a convenient rehabilitation of his ne’er do well attacker.
Shakespeare had it right; we’ve got it wrong. His sage words in Measure for Measure are the essence of common sense.
“We must not make a scarecrow of the law
Setting it up to (frighten) the birds of prey
And let it keep one shape, till custom make it
Their perch and not their terror.”
If Shakespeare could visit our streets today he would come face to face with wandering 16th Century fearless vagrants. And he would shrug and say “You weak and foolish people; so long as predators have nothing to fear there will be no peace in your homes and byways.”
Judge Kitchen noted that “Two generations ago, there were almost no street people in Vancouver. If a person slept or begged on the street, the police would intervene. … Today in Vancouver there are perhaps thousands living on the streets and in the parks. They sleep everywhere – even in the doorways of the courthouse and police station. …Society created this situation. Law abiding citizens condone it and it has become the expectation of those like Darcy Jones. In fact it is more than an expectation; it is viewed as an entitlement.”
The judge is wrong! Society didn’t create the mess we’re in. Vancouver’s mess began in 1972, born of the democratic vanities and conceit of our federal government and the philosophies of Trudeau and his still-born Just Society.
Some history: After we became a nation in 1867 it took our national government until 1892 to formulate a uniform criminal law. The first version of the Criminal Code of Canada contained 12 situations in which a “loose, idle or disorderly person or vagrant” might be arrested and upon conviction subjected to a maximum fine of $50 or imprisonment not exceeding six months with or without hard labour.
At first, the offence of vagrancy was directed at being a vagrant. In 1954, the Code was amended to make vagrancy the doing of any prohibited act. Vagrancy offences were reduced to five, three of which dealt with street disorder and were quickly dubbed Vag A, B and C.
“Every one commits vagrancy who
a) Not having any apparent means of support is found wandering abroad or trespassing and does not, when required, justify his presence in the place where he is found;
b) Begs from door to door or in a public place;
c) Being a common prostitute … is found in a public place and does not, when required, give a good account of herself.”
The combined effect of the offences of mischief and vagrancy made it possible for police to control disorder on our streets.
Thirty-six years ago vagrancy A, B and C were repealed – altruism prevailing over realism – and disorder took to the streets with gusto. Once the shackle of vagrancy C was removed, an endless stream of vulnerable young girls made street prostitution a rat race presided over by sociopathic johns, pimps and drug pushers.
It was immediate and horrific – unshackled vagrant prostitutes became prey. Worst of all some began to disappear. One by one they vanished to become the 65 missing women of Vancouver’s Skid Road. Yet as each girl disappeared another girl arrived and took her place.
If the vagrancy sections had remained in the Criminal Code and been enforced, I am certain that the serial holocaust murder of our most vulnerable of young girls would not have occurred.
Wake up you parliamentarians! Restore vagrancy offences! Give police the means to bring order to our streets.wallace-gilby-craig@shaw.ca – www.realjustice.ca.

SUNDAY PROVINCE COLUMN

Mayor Sam's time is up

David Berner
The Province
Sunday, March 16, 2008

A recent survey posted on my blog -- with the results in parentheses -- reads as follows: The Nutty Mayor has done a magnificent job and deserves re-election by acclamation (2); is the worst mayor in Vancouver history (40); has been OK, but nothing special (10); lives in a world not known to other reasonable people (14); is entirely self-serving (14); is a prince among princes (4); should wear a red jacket and be a downtown ambassador (4); has the NPA by the balls (4); is my favorite politician of all time -- I get out in a few days (5); and other (4).

The "other" category includes three votes for "is mixed, with cashews," and one submission of "I would have to be declared criminally insane to vote for him again."

At a charity event this winter, a banker leaned over to me, as the mayor was addressing the multitudes, and said, "You know, when he was elected, I was very proud of our city. But it didn't take me long to realize that it's all about Sam."

Yes, it's all about Sam.

Take the mountain climbing. No mention of the 19 people who carried him to the summits.

Take all the answers he has to the drug problems, answers that almost nobody will endorse except those paid out of private funds.

Take the $10 million he claims the feds are giving him for his wacky drug ideas, a claim for which there is no reliable evidence on this Earth.

Take his fumbling attempt to first patent the name "eco-density," and then deny that he was doing exactly that.

Take the disastrous public relations mess in attempting to communicate the idea of "eco-density" to a wary public, which has now declared it "echo-duncity."

Take the hundreds of thousands of dollars he has raised, ostensibly under the NPA flag, only to use on . . . you guessed it, himself.

Take my mayor, please.

Not to worry.

Horses of various stripes are already chomping at the bit.

Peter Ladner has forced the mayor and his party, the NPA, to return ever so reluctantly to democracy and actually have an openly contested nomination, instead of the coronation they were assuming would pass unnoticed.

NDP MLA Gregor Robertson, Vision City Councillor Raymond Louie, and NPA Parks Commissioner Alan De Genova have already stepped into the fray.

Which brings us to Senator Flip-Flop, former mayor Larry Campbell, who has supported Louie, Carole Taylor and now Alan De Genova in quick order. Why do some people have written on their foreheads, "I must be a kingmaker?" Isn't it enough to enjoy the pension and the opportunity to be quiet for a change?

Ladner, Robertson or Louie would all make perfectly capable and inoffensive mayors in the mould of Philip Owen -- reliable, dignified to a degree and reasonable managers of the till.

Beats the heck out of what we've got now.

david@davidberner.com

© The Vancouver Province 2008

The Crime File

1) How do you get a conditional sentence for 2 bank robberies? In Canada? In Vancouver?

This fool walked into 2 banks on West 10th Avenue and demanded $10,000.

I live near those banks. I shop next to those banks and I deal with those banks.

I want a bank robber in my 'hood to get a conditional sentence???

I don't think so.

I want his sorry, ignorant ass thrown deep, deep deep in to jail.

His lawyer said the man was desperate to provide food for his fiance.

Remember "work?" Remember, "Excuse me, Mr. Cafe Owner, please let me wash your dishes and bus your tables. I am desperate for food and work."

Puleeeeezze...

2) The Axe Man wants an appeal of his much-applauded 9 1/2 year sentence. Now this is chutzpah.

He clobbers a boy in the head with an axe, leaving the boy a quadriplegic for life, and he thinks being raised to adult court and being given 9 1/2 years is a bit much.

Try that in a few other countries.

I hope this appeal fails miserably.

WINTER SOLDIER

For the completely OTHER view of the disasterous Iraq "war," please look at this video and article in the Real News:

http://www.therealnews.com/web/index.php?thisdataswitch=0&thisid=1122&thisview=item

This was contributed to us by regular blog commentator, Murdock.

Believe me, you owe it to yourselves to see this.

Barry J on Drugs, Legal and Otherwise

Hey David,

Big pharma and depression solutions is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg with the big publicly traded pharma companies.

The drugs they produce have more side effects, on average, than any good they could possibly do.

As for harm reduction, I say follow the money trail, yup, it leads right to big drugs companies. If they can legalize drugs for addicts and keep them wired they have an extremely lucrative revenue stream. Problem is Joe/Jill taxpayer will have to foot the bill cause the junkies will be all to stoned to do anything productive.

Every harm reduction conference has a major drug company sponsor, places like the Dr. Peter Center for Aids gets huge grants because all the doctors there have been trained to chant the harm reduction mantra.
Even the schools where doctors get their training are heavily influenced with sponsorhip by big pharma and the doctors that come out of them dance to the tune of their harm reduction masters, merely salesmen for the big drug companies.

Guys like Campbell, Owen and Sullivan have been duped. Why because the money that is behind this from guys like billionaire George Soros etc. makes for a never ending barrage of one sided b.s. and harm reduction is merely a cover for drug legalization. Could you imagine 15 years ago having a free government sponsored heroin program in Canada, probably not. My point is they are relentless in the quest to normalize drug use and then legalization will be easier ofr us to swallow.

The sad part is problems related to alcohol and tobacco cost more for tax payers than all the illegal drugs combined. Why because stuff like heroin and coke aren't legal yet, if they ever are young kids whose young minds are very impressionable will be more inclined to use these drugs and addiction rates will skyrocket.

I studied history on this subject and every case in recorded history where drugs were legalized addiction rates soared.

Hopefully one day those in power will see it for what it really is, I doubt it though.

Barry Joneson

What? And Quit Show Biz?

The mayor who is on record for hating the police, thwarting the police at every turn and lobbying passionately against Enforcement (one of the alleged four pillars), yes that mayor, the one who is now claiming to want to add 100 policemen to the force, is now crying that the feds must help.

Listen to his language.

"I need funding for these police."

Not, we need funding or the City of Vancouver needs funding, or the citizens of the city need funding.

It's all about Sam all the time.

Like he cares about police.

Peter Ladner, on the other hand, says "I think we have to take full responsibility for our own police."

The Nutty Mayor, desperate and in full panic mode, has now reached Full Clown Status.

Surprise! Your M and M's will do the trick just fine, thanks

Shaken by drug study.

Or so we are to believe.

A recent study showed that many depression patients were helped as much by placebos as by prescription "medicines."

Really?

So that means that most of the educated world still hasn't figured out that most depression pharmacology is about marketing, not science.

We are talking here about billions and billions of dollars in profits.

No Time for Your Wall. Sorry

I not sure what the photographer intended, but the two idiots chosen to illustrate the Sun's story on Facebook today were perfect.

I don't use facebook or any of its millions of clones. I won't answer messages on my wall, your wall or the Wall Centre's wall.

Want to email me or MSN message me, fine. I'm yours, pal.

But I will not give an extra click to be your totally sworn friend for life on systems that have been devised for 10 year olds.

The foto on page A6 (above) shows two of the goofiest, dumbest looking geeks of all time. They are poster children for this nonsense.

Oddly, the article is titled, "Getting Close and Personal."

This is exactly what Facebook is NOT.

It is an avoidance of close and personal.

Close and personal happens when the other person is right in front of you and you can smell, see, taste, reach and touch.

Internet hook-ups are about NARRATIVE, about creating a story line, one in which you may in fact totally believe is who you are, but they are light years from anything resembling the truth or companionship or, lord save us, love.

Well, it's magic...

Love is All Around....almost

It was so cheering to read that Muslim leaders are calling for a real peaceful sit-down with the Christian world.

My immediate reaction to this headline was, "Yah? And what about the Jews?"

Funny how these things work.

I had only to read another paragraph of the story to get the small rider the imams' loving spoonful.

Of course, murderous bastards like Israel are still the enemy and not invited to the kumbayah fest.

ALEX TSAKUMIS IN 24 HOURS PRAISING MATOR WATTS

Didn't I just give Mayor Watts credit this morning....?

DYNAMIC DI

By Alex G. Tsakumis

‘Rebel With A Clause’

Over the last two and a half years, I have lost track of the seemingly endless efforts by local journalists to compare Vancouver with Surrey, or vice versa.

The temptation to do this, it is easy to surmise, exists because while Vancouver is steeped in failed policy and public relations exercises that do nothing to make our lives better, Surrey actually seems to have grown into the role of leading city in the Lower Mainland.

This didn’t come to pass by accident either.

If leadership counts for anything in making a city better than how you’ve found it, Surrey Mayor Dianne MegaWatts, in the same tradition of a Carole Taylor, is the difference.

After having thankfully dispatched the often-morose Doug MacCallum from the Mayor’s chair in the fall of 2005, Ms. Watts has turned Surrey into one of the most livable and enjoyable places in all British Columbia.

Her reasonable populism and measured approach to everything from crime to sustainability, the real kind, is testament to Surrey’s success.

At noon today, Ms. Watts will be giving her State of the City Address and this scribbler, and 24hrs newspaper, have been given the exclusive on her speech.

A perusal of her remarks is a journey through astounding accomplishments for a rookie Mayor, who, at the genesis of Her Worship’s travels, was unfairly vilified by Surrey Clrs. Marvin Hunt and Judy Higginbotham, both of whom look like unremittingly foolish pinheads, in retrospect.

Since Dianne Watts’ inaugural, a Crime Reduction Strategy has seen a co-operative effort between three layers of government, one hundred individuals and fifty organizations, bear tremendous fruit. With a combination of compassion and decisiveness, Surrey has taken it’s previous moniker, for decades past, as ‘Crime Central’ and obliterated that notion with steely resolve: 840 grow-ops identified in 2007 alone and only 30 left to deal with—a drop of approximately 98%; Prolific Offender Target Team nabs and jails 216 chronic offenders; auto-theft down by 50% and (are you paying attention NPA councilors in Vancouver??) 119 new police officers, plus 45 support staff; and, most encouragingly, instead of ridiculous drug replacement fantasies, as touted by Vancouver’s now back-peddling Mayor, drug TREATMENT for the addicted downtrodden in Surrey, with an additional 300 new homes for the homeless.

No begging the Gordonator for help. No whining to the Prime Minister about funding. No lifting credit from Minister Coleman for housing initiatives. No agitating unions. No hair brained councilors more concerned with free-range chicken eggs than people. You get the message: no operating like Vancouver

Her Worship said she was going to clean Surrey up. I gather she wasn’t kidding.

When I interviewed Ms. Watts recently in her modest office at City Hall, about her Livability Accord and Sustainability Plan, she was crystal clear, “You can’t have towers anywhere a developer wants them…we said City Center…and we meant it—you can’t have bloody towers in a flood plain…we are seeing major investments in landscapes that make sense for everybody, with growth that’s got purpose and makes people’s lives easier”. Not to mention, her vision for expanded transportation plans that will ease Surrey into ‘greener’ pastures—so to speak.

Thus, you see why Dianne Watts, the grand visionary, is emerging as the most popular and accomplished Mayor in this province.

She gets it.

When I asked her about ambitions beyond the Mayor’s Chair, I noted her uncanny ability to bridge the political divide, bringing peace to a previously rancorous Surrey council.

“Premier…?”, I said. She laughed, loudly. “You’re hysterical”, said Ms. Watts.

Apparently, I’m as funny as I am accurate.

MY FRIDAY PROVINCE COLUMN

will appear in the paper on Sunday.

Again.

"Everyone is beautiful in their own way-ay-ay-ay..."

A Fetching Editorial

Somehow, I get the idea that I'm not on the short list to join the Sun editorial board.

I hope we don't have to share a dining room table at the care home. The drooling will be combative to say the least.

In writing about the mayoralty race today, the editorial noted The Nutty One's about face on hiring more police officers. They then acknowledge that Raymond Louie says the mayor is just pandering to voters. Duh?

And here's their deeply considering reaction to that well-founded accusation:

"That seems a bit far-fetched."

What are they smoking?

Far-fetched?

The mayor hates the police. He has been fighting with them for years. He doesn't want more police. He wants private security goons disguised as "ambassadors." He supports one and only one pillar of the comically mis-named Four Pillars Strategy, and that is Harm Seduction. He has politicked ardently for years against Enforcement.

Do the editorial writers read their own archives? Do they know who this fellow is? Do they not realize that everything he does is politically motivated and aimed solely at self-advancement?

What gene are they missing?

What is far-fetched is the paper's take on the Man in Office.

By the way, the dog's name is Farley.

Wrong Again, Canada

The only good thing about the Commons vote to keep Canadian soldiers dying in the drug economy called Afghanistan is that the NDP voted against it.

My Dog Would Like to Leave a Deposit

Dobell gets an "absolute discharge?"

I have an absolute discharge for him. But it's a bit messy.

And for all his apologists and for the court that absolved him utterly.

How can the man closest to the Premier and the Mayor claim ignorance of the rules?

And I say again...if he is such a stalwart citizen, what is he doing charging the taxpayers $250/hour to consult on matters of homelessness?

Say, Ken, now that you've been a well-compensated snivel servant all your life, when does the giving back kick in?