Victor on the Glorious, Glamorous PIG

Hi mensche

There are, mystical, primordial reasons, no doubt, why the smiling sow is forbidden meat in so many cultures. But if Johnny Cochrane were to mount a pig defense, he might present the following.

1.Pigs get a bad rap on their apparent filth. It's because they're smart and we're lazy. As it happens, pigs are very hard to pen. They are incredibly strong so they can push over any farm fence or , because they're smart, they will just use their snouts to jiggle the gate. So man learned that he had to build stout enclosures for pigs, made of logs and stones. But such enclosures are expensive, so man made them small. We overcrowd pigs so there is not enough room for their bodily functions. If you put 15 people in a one bedroom apartment, with one toilet, the smell would be similar. Actually, in parts of Vancouver, that's the norm.

2.Pigs are also feared. Fear is a close cousin of contempt. They are feared because they are the only animal raised by the farmer who would happily eat the farmer. Every other farm animal is a herbivore. Mr. Pig swings both ways. The original swinger. So, for centuries , farmers feeding their pigs have known, that one false step turns them from the waiter into the main course. Imagine how waiters in your fav restaurant would regard you in similar circumstances. Actually, I have felt that terror at a few snooty Vancouver restaurants.

3.Last point. Pigs were the original recyclers. Long before recycling became an obsession of yuppies, pigs were into it. Around 200 years ago, farmers would accumulate cow dung in their barns over the winter. How to clean the barns? Well, they stuffed corn into the dung piles and let the pigs in. Instantly, a clean barn. Better than a Hoover.

So here is what we have learned about pigs and man, based on the three examples above.

1. Increasing density may result in more property taxes but it will turn people into swine. Man needs space. He has a technique for getting space. It's called war.

2. You can't build loyalty with handouts, nor can you change fundamental behavior. Pigs and human swine bide their time and ultimately bite the feeding hand.

3. Environmentalists are descended from a species that avoided work, squealed, ate well and had something smelly about them. Think David Suzuki.

v