Monday, March 17, 2008

What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the ocean?

One Smart Cop

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene"
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir .. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Forgiveness May Free Your Spirit. It May Also be Way Beside the Point

The family of the young man who was killed by a road rage murderer has forgiven the evil bastard.

And the pastor at the service for the deceased said, "We have to acknowledge that God himself does everything right."

Here's what Jews believe.

G-d is that mysterious unknowable force behind all of life.

G-d is good, yes.

G-d has given humankind free will.

And it is our G-d-given right to piss away any semblance of reasonable or loving behaviour.

How else to explain Hitler?

Thus, we Jews reach a slightly different conclusion than the good pastor.

There is nothing - repeat, nothing - right about this asshole killing a young man with his little truck.

And while the fool may indeed have a soul, which, in time, he may even encounter (preferably in the dark of a prison cell), we here on earth have no need or responsibility to forgive the blighter.

Forgiveness is a particularly Christian notion, which allows millions to feel that Christianity is a major improvement on the old Hebrew school.

But for Jews like me, being freed of the imperative for forgiveness is a blessing.

As Canadian poet Irving Layton once said in a marvelous little poem about seeing some dreadful people in a cafe, "I'm glad I'm not Jesus. I don't have to love them."

Tiger is Simply Amazing

You had to be there.

At least in your living room, watching on TV, as Tiger Woods birdied the final hole to win yet another tournament.

The stats alone are mind-boggling (Read the NY Times coverage here.)

But what made this an unforgettable sports moment was that Tiger was trying to make a 20-foot downhill, sliding putt to win, after missing long putts throughout the entire match.

It was a beauty that left the crowd screaming in appreciation and the TV analysts and hosts wonderfully at a loss for words.

From a friend

Holocaust removed from curriculum... It is a matter of history that when Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps, he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead. He did this because he said in words to this effect: 'Get it all on record now - get the films - get the witnesses - because somewhere down the track of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened'. In Memorial This week............the United Kingdom removed The Holocaust from its school curriculum because............... it 'offended' the Muslim population which claims it never occurred. This is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it. It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated...............while the German and Russia peoples were looking the other way! Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets. This e-mail is intended to reach 40 million people worldwide! Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world. PLEASE Do NOT just delete this. It will take a minute to pass this along. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." a quote of Edmund Burke