Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Humpty Dumpty Land

Crook gets out of prison. Four days later he steals razor blades from a store. Store fuzz spot the fool. Fool runs. Scuffle ensues. Fool and Fuzz fall. Down, down, down they tumble, and with them goes Canadian jurisprudence.

In a heap at the bottom of the stairs, the Store Fuzz, now really high with excitement, rattle the Fool's cage a bit. Tooth or two go missing.

A few days after this melodrama, Fool is busted by the real Fuzz for stealing a car. Date: Aug.27/04 for the Great Razor Blade Caper.

By the way, if you think Fool was heisting the blades to shave with, you're about as clueless as the Judge who is next up in our story.

Yesterday, Judge William "I'll Believe Any Sob Story You Throw at Me, Buster" Ehreke ruled that the Fool deserves $12,000 in compensation from the store and the Store Fuzz for the missing tooth or teeth.

Don't judge Da Judge too harshly. He went to school a lot, became a lawyer, lived in Kerrisdale, or one of the other leafy glens, was appointed to da bench and has never spent a nano-second in the real world amongst real, dirty people. Never shot a game of pool, never played an evening of poker, never touched himself, told a dirty joke or peaked at the girls in gym class. In short, he's an over-educated, under-wise dork in a position way, way, way beyond him. His name is Ehreke. Is that pronounced, "EEEEEEEERRRRKKKKKKKKKK!!!!"

Let us pray now, Brethren, that the Store and its Fuzz appeal this non-decision.

The Pivot Legal Society, who believe that they are fighting at all times to uphold the law for tiny people everywhere, have argued that the provincial government must provide "greater public protection against abuse of authority by private security guards."

I have a simple question, kids.

When you're standing at an ATM at 9 pm getting out a little coffee money for tomorrow, who are you afraid of - the security guards, or the FUCKING CRIMINALS?

Is the Red Color Injected Dye?

I don't mind Mexican tomatoes. I just don't like being lied to.

When the main message is BC HOTHOUSE, and the rest is produced in Mexico....

See, not only do I not mind Mexican tomatoes, I'm prepared to go out on a vine and sponsor a Mexican tomato, marry one if that's what it takes.

And there's always the question of pesos. If I'm paying $X for BC HOTHOUSE, shouldn't I be paying $X - 100 for tomatoes produced in Mexico? Don't they pay workers about one ninetyth of the wage that workers earn here in our hothouses?

It's Not About Mr. Cho, Stupid. It's About Guns

Twenty-three year old Mr. Cho walked into a local gun shop, produced 3 pieces of identification, waited a few minutes for the local constabulary to clear him (He had no previous record.) and walked out the proud new owner of a Glock 9 mm automatic pistol.

What is the purpose of a Glock 9mm pistol?

Fun Fair with the family?

Sports? Amusement? Dinner conversation?

Why is it both legal and in every social way acceptable to buy this kind of killing machine on every second street corner in America?

Why does everyone assume that this kind of business is normal? That this is the definition of "business as usual."

This rant is not about casting blame. But it is about making a point.

Mr. Cho is not the story. He is not even interesting. There are nut jobs everywhere amongst us, waiting to explode. Witness the front page story today about the schizophrenic addict who burned down his mother's house. What are you going to do, blame their parents? Send everyone to Parenting Class? Yell at God for making some people less reasonable than others.

But this is a great opportunity for Americans and Canadians to look at some basic assumptions we share in out daily lives.

The question in this tragedy is not "Why?" All the shrinks in the world can't tell you why, and the ones who claim they can are as delusional as the people they are trying to describe.

The question is "How do we stop facilitating crazy people during their worst moments?"

Now, I have been asked if I approve of the complete abolishment of all guns from all citizens.

No, I do not. That would lead, with terrifying rapidity, to a totalitarian central government.

But I do not want gun shops selling every manner of small and powerful personal armaments on every street corner. Has that desire somehow threatened your rights or your sense of personal safety? Sorry.

The NRA has been quick to argue that, if all of those students and professors, now dead and injured, has themselves been armed, one of them would have killed Mr. Cho right smart. Remember that there are several states in the USA where carrying a firearm is legal and commonplace. The proponents of this "lifestyle" argue that life is quiet in their home towns, because the bad guys know what they're up against.

Great. Pardon me if I don't vacation there.

Asking questions and raising debate about how we live is not casting blame. It is asking questions and raising debate.

I think some guns should be available for some people. Which guns, which people is another, lengthy post.

I do not think that millions of small, deadly personal firearms should be available at every strip mall for all people without a criminal record to buy. I think this public policy leads to deadly consequences. I think the horror of Virginia Tech speaks exactly to this issue.