I am so deeply ashamed.
Like many, I heard about the coke addict who stole the Christmas presents from the room of a seriously ill girl in Children's' Hospital. I heard, from the Official On-duty Police Spokesperson (OOPs for short) that the thief was "known to police and had a rap sheet going back to 1987'.
At first, I was lulled into the media spin that this was some sort of Grinch story. You know. Bad guy and victim. A Christmas fable.
But then I looked in the heavens, to the Star of Sam and realized that the real victim was the coke-head.
Portraying the seriously ill girl as a victim was Holiday Season Hokey.
No. The Sam Star told me that Mr. 20-year Cokehead was a victim of all of us. In our greed, we soldiered on since 1987, ignoring his real cravings.
You see, what he really wants is a steady job, sensible shoes, membership in the Rotary Club, daily flossing, eating a balanced diet from all the major food groups.
He's simply been stealing and doing nose candy while working on his resume since Mulroney was Prime Monster.
But! There is hope for Mainline Grunge.
It is called the Sam Plan.
First, we give him a free apartment for two years. No rules.
During that time, we give him free substitute drugs.
This brings us to 2010.
Having lost his social skills, he may be lacking on pickup lines.
There will be Comfort Women in Vancouver in 2010. Sam is "open" to discussing the idea of legalized brothels for the Olympics.