OSCAR, SHMOSKER

The annual ritual More Precious than All Others is haste, upon us. (Forgive me, I'm working on 2 Shakespeare plays. Would Will have ever won a statue? Maybe after giving the Bard a pass 19 years in a row, the Academy would finally give him one for "lifetime achievement," when he was finally "sans eyes, sans ears, sans taste, sans everything.")

If you want some real fun, go to the Alternative Oscars brought to us each year by Graham Peat's wonderful Videomatica store. Here's how: www.videomatica.ca/alternativeoscars.

Meanwhile, here's my ruminations on all things Hollywood for tomorrow evening.

Haven't seen all the contedahs, won't in time see all the contandahs and will tape the whole mess for much shorter viewing later in the evening.

Helen Mirren has already been rightly crowned The Queen. All others go to the bar and order a double double.

Although Peter O'Toole is wonderful in Venus and he should have been given a shelf full of statues for Lawrence of Arabia and Becket (he wasn't), the Oscar goes to a much deserved Forest Whitaker for his bringing to rich and funny and scary life Idi Amin In The Last King of Scotland. Mr. Whitaker has been blowing our minds for years as one of America's very best actors in a host of memorable movie appearances, and this piece of work is one for the ages.

The Lives of Others is up for the award in the Best Foreign Language Film, and I will tell you that it is a great work of art, it is unforgettable and mesmerizing, and not only that, we really like it a lot! Give it the prize already.

Movies like Little Miss Sunshine and The Departed (should be, The Deported) have no business being nominated; Little Miss Sunshine, because it is a tiny, charming amusement, not much more than an extended comedy sketch with a muddled and unsatisfying ending; and The Deformed, because it is a dreadful piece of highly crafted nothing. Everybody shoot everybody, wake me when it's over.

But little Marty has been sucking Hollywood overtime for years and he'll probably win several entirely undeserved awards. Feh!