Humpty Dumpty Land

Crook gets out of prison. Four days later he steals razor blades from a store. Store fuzz spot the fool. Fool runs. Scuffle ensues. Fool and Fuzz fall. Down, down, down they tumble, and with them goes Canadian jurisprudence.

In a heap at the bottom of the stairs, the Store Fuzz, now really high with excitement, rattle the Fool's cage a bit. Tooth or two go missing.

A few days after this melodrama, Fool is busted by the real Fuzz for stealing a car. Date: Aug.27/04 for the Great Razor Blade Caper.

By the way, if you think Fool was heisting the blades to shave with, you're about as clueless as the Judge who is next up in our story.

Yesterday, Judge William "I'll Believe Any Sob Story You Throw at Me, Buster" Ehreke ruled that the Fool deserves $12,000 in compensation from the store and the Store Fuzz for the missing tooth or teeth.

Don't judge Da Judge too harshly. He went to school a lot, became a lawyer, lived in Kerrisdale, or one of the other leafy glens, was appointed to da bench and has never spent a nano-second in the real world amongst real, dirty people. Never shot a game of pool, never played an evening of poker, never touched himself, told a dirty joke or peaked at the girls in gym class. In short, he's an over-educated, under-wise dork in a position way, way, way beyond him. His name is Ehreke. Is that pronounced, "EEEEEEEERRRRKKKKKKKKKK!!!!"

Let us pray now, Brethren, that the Store and its Fuzz appeal this non-decision.

The Pivot Legal Society, who believe that they are fighting at all times to uphold the law for tiny people everywhere, have argued that the provincial government must provide "greater public protection against abuse of authority by private security guards."

I have a simple question, kids.

When you're standing at an ATM at 9 pm getting out a little coffee money for tomorrow, who are you afraid of - the security guards, or the FUCKING CRIMINALS?