Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It Gets Bettery Every Day


This just leaked by my friend, Victor.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Iconic Canadian company, Tim Hortons, has announced a program geared to fighting the obesity epidemic in Canada.

The company will establish "Safe Fat Rooms (SFRs)" at selective locations in Vancouver. At these SFRs, morbidly obese Canadians will be welcome to enter, pull up two or three chairs, depending on their condition, and indulge in an assortment of donuts from a perfectly clean plate.

Advisors will be on site (ONSITE) to refer SFR attendees to Steve Nash Fitness Centres. Proponents of this gut-wrenching initiative are confident that many users will actually wrench their guts from a chair and waddle over to see what a Steve Nash Centre looks like.

In a related announcement, Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robinson has announced that "ultra-wide" bike lanes will be installed on Vancouver bridges to accommodate the "hugely"popular 3-wheel mammoth tricycles gaining favour among Vancouver's bulging population.

3 comments:

Evil Eye said...

David, it is sheer utter madness that has overtaken society. Do an uncivil or illegal thing and we will provide a room or house to do it in.

"For whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad."

Who thinks up this stuff? Loony Tunes?

Christopher W. Earl said...

This is enough to get someone interested in municipal politics.

Presumably, these lanes will also be sufficient for rascals and the like, that the obese and/or lazy use as their main mode of transportation.

Gerry Verrier said...

David, where are the safe cigarette smoking sites?? You would think that if there was an addiction, and nicotine addiction is one of the if not the most debilitating addictions, that required interventions and programs for people to stop so as to save health dollars and protect children and others from dangerous second hand smoke, it would be nicotine addiction.
What really kicks me in the crotch over this issue is the tax dollars most cigarette smokers pay. In 2007, 63-79% of what smokers paid for a package of cigarettes went towards provincial and federal taxes. 63-79%, for pete's sakes! (http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/smoking/cost.html)
And what do smokers get for their tax dollars? They are ostracized, they are forced to look at disgusting photos on their cigarette packages, they must hide in alleyways and laws have been created that prevent smokers from even smoking in their own cars should the cars contain minors. People complain about cigarette butts on the streets, but what about the chewing gum that literally coats sidewalks? I've seen the steam machines the city of Vancouver has out and about with the sole job of cleaning gum off sidewalks.
Smoking cigarettes is not illegal. Buying cigarettes is not illegal. Selling cigarettes is not illegal with the proper licenses (another form of taxation). But somehow smokers are stigmatized and there is a national taxpayer-funded campaign to stop people from smoking.
But hey if you use heroin, our society will provide you with nurses and doctors and places where you can freely use those illegal drugs. You will even get free drug injecting/smoking paraphernalia. If you're a drunk, they want to provide you with free booze. If you smoke crack cocaine, the most destructive drug to hit our communities, there are taxpayer-funded vans and nurses that will bring you free kits that will make it easier for you to smoke crack.
What taxes do crackheads and junkies pay? Why are tax-paying cigarette smokers treated like shit while thieving junkies are provided with everything to continue with their sorry existence?? Why not employ the same techniques used with cigarette smokers with junkies? Where's the national campaign to stomp out heroin and cocaine addiction?