Terribly Cruel, Terribly Biased and Oh So Funny

The Age ~~ Melbourne ~~ Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Welcome to this year's blockbuster

By Catherine Deveny

I'M OBSESSED with Sarah Palin. She's the first thing I think about
when I wake and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. I
google her a dozen times a day and manage to bring her up in every
conversation I have.

"You have hair. Sarah Palin has hair. What a coincidence! She has big
hair and it's brown. Her kids have hair too. Their names are Track,
Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. Would you like to see a photo of
Sarah's hair? Or her kids' hair? Or her husband the First Dude's hair?
She's a great mother, she went back to work three days after giving
birth to a disabled child. Of course, she didn't have to. She chose
to. She and the First Dude had little Trig's best interests at heart.
Never too early to instil independence. It toughens 'em up. Next stop?
A bloody good war."

I found myself checking out Palin Facebook groups last night. The ones
that amused me included: Excuse Me, But Has Anyone Else Noticed That
Sarah Palin Is Insane? My Dog Is More Qualified To Be Vice-President
Than Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Is A Bona Fide Whack Job. Librarians
Against Sarah Palin. I Would Have Sex With, But Not Vote For, Sarah
Palin. And: I Would Rather Have A Mentally Challenged Goat As VP Than
Sarah Palin.

I'd been thinking the US election campaign was dragging on endlessly
until I read the headline "McCain chooses woman for running mate." I
loved that, "woman". Sums the whole thing up. She's the closest thing
Republican strategists could find to a man with a vagina. No political
party in the world would have had the genius to dream up Sarah Palin.
She's a social experiment with lipstick.

New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd likened the Sarah Palin story to
the chick flick Miss Congeniality. I think of it more as an in-flight
movie. Like Dumb and Dumber. If you're after a laugh, check out the
campaign poster for McCain and Palin. The slogan is "The Ticket For
America". The running mates look like an old rich bloke with erectile
dysfunction and his white trash trophy wife wearing glasses so she
looks intellectual and that.

McCain strikes me as "a bit of a fall" away from stewed prunes and
dribbling, and she looks as hungry and deranged as Anna Nicole Smith.
"Hey, Johnny, why don't y'all take up smoking! It's not too late. Have
another spoon of cholesterol. Where's that special button you done
talked about that blows up countries? Bristol's boyfriend's Xbox isn't
working and he's bored."

I'm not proud of it but to be honest, the comedy writer in me really,
really hopes Palin gets in. Shooting, hunting, God-fearing,
anti-abortion, book-banning, homophobic, white trash moron. I'd love
to see the White House lawn covered in cars up on blocks. Male,
female, goat or goldfish, Palin is a writer's dream. I wish I had the
imagination to invent her.

And the hits just keep on coming. Each day there's another titbit that
draws me in. "She what? Not only believes that abstinence should be
the only form of contraception taught in schools and she slashed
funding to a program for teenage mothers but she charged victims of
sexual assault for their own rape kits. I don't even know what rape
kits are but I sure as hell know you don't charge people for them."
And how does that whole guns and God thing work? "Say a prayer and the
merciful Lord will protect us. And if he doesn't, pass me the Uzi."

The only problem with Sarah Palin is that she's real. And, like it or
not, she'll be used as an example of a female politician. Regardless
of the fact she should be filed under dangerous white trash fuelled by
fear, propelled by power and supported by halfwits.

I have two long-held beliefs. First, people should have to pass an
intelligence test before they're allowed to vote and second, that the
rest of the world should be able to vote in the US elections because
the outcome affects us as much as them. If not more.

Like most people, I believe in democracy. As long as everybody else
votes the same way I do. The problems with democracy are that a) not
everyone makes an informed choice and b) if they do, what informs that
choice. We're at the mercy of the morons. People who vote for race,
gender, class and politicians who massage people's prejudices and
reinforce beliefs fertilised by fear.

Sarah Palin personifies the cockiness of ignorance. Bertrand Russell
said: "Fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but
wiser people so full of doubts." Pass me the popcorn, I can't wait to
see how this movie ends.