Alex T. Brings New Urgency to the High Holidays

EASTER BASKETCASE

By A. G. Tsakumis
'Rebel With A Clause'

I spent part of the Easter weekend reviewing recent news stories that peaked my interest. I typically go through eight papers per day, dutifully clipping items of intrigue—usually ones I find compelling or enjoyable. Then again, I always find something that contributes to my decades-long battle with acid-reflux.

My summation is that we are becoming progressively detached from reality and common sense. If an alien landed on our not-as-green orb tomorrow, a perusal of the papers would provide him or her (it?) with a veritable cornucopia of rank insanity.

To the south, in the Excited States of Amnesia, you’d think that if you were a Governor/Lt. Governor/Mayor, the prerequisite to such lofty swivels is to have engaged in enough cocaine usage and extra-marital rompfesting to make a Vegas hooker blush. The revelations of stupefying hypocrisy by the Lt. Governor of New York, his predecessor, the Mayor of Detroit and the previous Governor of New Jersey (and his wife and limo driver!) were astounding, if not treacherously hysterical. Drugs, threesomes gone wrong (how the hell does that happen?), and assistants as hookers: All that’s missing is the porno twang soundtrack as background to this chaos on the couch. Through it all, not a word about healthcare, pension plans, taxes or schools.

God bless America, indeed.

Even Pierre Elliot Obama and Hickory ‘Pinocchio’ Clinton can’t get it together. He’s explaining how his preacher and life-long friend thinks that AIDS was created by the “white” U.S. government to “hold down the n---gers”, and she repeatedly recalls being shot at in Bosnia, a decade or so ago, by sniper-fire no less, that after a thorough review of video footage appears to be a figment of her forever enhanced imagination (yes, I’m being kind).

Makes you wonder how the Bosnian insurgents had such bad aim, even in her own dreams.

Hillary as President? Bill back in the ‘hood? They’d have to refit the revolving door to the Lincoln bedroom and reinstall condom machines in the White House bathrooms.

Meanwhile, in Tibet, the barbaric Chinese government continues to savagely pummel the gallant freedom fighters. A boycott of the Beijing Games? Absolutely. It’s high time the Chinese govt were made to pay for their disgraceful oppression of Tibetans. But wait, VANOC’s John Not-For-Long believes a boycott would serve “..no purpose other than to penalize athletes who serve as the best role models…” Ever heard of Marion Jones or Ben Johnson, Johnny? Help wipe doping from sports and then you can make that claim. Fools.

Speaking of fools, back here at home, what the devil has happened to the teaching profession? The same BCTF that agreed to standardized testing, now wants it banished because the justified criticisms of their profession, often graduating functional illiterates, is intolerable. Could it be that the most militant, backward union in this Province is more concerned about what standardized tests reveal about teachers? Expediency instead of education. Lovely.

And, never to be off our radar, the Vancouver Mayoral race plods along: Al DivaNova just can’t shake the Vaudeville act, Raymond thinks the (already divided) Asian vote will be enough; Gregor’s back in the Legislature; Sir Shamalot, with no promise left behind, is now the friend of churches too, since his campaign caravan continues to lose traction en route to his Waterloo. And…Peter the Great (who may win the nomination in spite of himself), always fishing in traditional NPA territory, reportedly went to a local gay leather-bar looking to sign members..

I can just see it now…Capt. Vancouver’s statue in crotchless, leather pants and a feather boa.

I think during Passover, I’ll just rent a bunch of movies.