PASTAFARIAN TRIUMPHS

It's the kind of story that should only happen in Vancouver.

But no, it took place in that hot bed of indigenous comedy, Austria.

Niko Alm had his driver's license issued with a photo of him wearing pasta stainer on his head.

A self-confessed atheist, Mr Alm says he belongs to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Read and believe.

Wonder only if his name can really be "Alm?" Of it he had it shortened from the more traditional "Alms?" Or the more rigorous Austrian spelling "Almsforzepoor"

GENDER

I've always believed that dogs are boys and cats are girls.

I believed this when I was a child.

In spite of knowledge since acquired, I still believe this.

Dogs are boys and cats are girls.

Don't bug me.

PRODUCTIVITY

Oil, illegal drugs and Big Pharma.

These are three of the four biggest businesses in the world.

But the fourth is also the largest and most profitable.

It is also the one least discussed in public.

Armaments.

You know, guns, bullets, bombs, planes, drones, Humvees...

These little enterprises, which prop up the economies of most producing countries in the world, are almost a secret.

How refreshing - if gruesome - then to see a major report in today's morning Sun:

Canada doing brisk business in arms: data

Military hardware exports rise

Of course, you can't sell a few killing machines without helping out the odd despot or mass murderer or two.

Just turn the page and read about the half-million people huddled together in refugee camps in Kenya. Dadaab is hell on earth. And after the famine and the drought, came the war.

But hey, our exports are up.

THE PAPER TRAIL

Did you vote yet on the HST?

I did.

I voted "Yes," which, of curse, means No.

Life in La-La Land is like that.

But that's not the story.

The real issue is whose cousin had the paper contract?

First you mark your ballot.

Then you put it in envelope A.

Then like, Ukranian dolls, you put envelope A into envelope B.

Then you put envelope B - which already hides away envelope A - into envelope C.

I am not making this up.

Then you put the whole happy package into a Canada Post mail box and hope that nobody is on strike this week.

Other question:

Whose cousin gets the contract for the 100,000 Haida-carved letter openers?

Democracy! Inclusion! Consultation!

Who cares if we never get a real summer!

We've got Christy Crispy Crunchy World - The Magical Forest of Envelopes.

Would you like no tea in your sugar?

NIMBY? OR NOT?

DOPES ABOUND

Methadone is six times more addictive than heroin.

In spite of this fact, doctors, psychiatrists, social workers and others have been giving this poison to addicts for more than 50 years now as an alleged "replacement therapy."

Of course, this is, always has been and always will be a failing strategy.

How are addicts provided this poison?

Some come to a clinic window, but most are provided prescxriptions which they fill at their neighb ourhood pharmacy. The pharmacists are given a fee by the government for this deadly undignified "service." They are happily paid by us to keep drug addicts stoned.

Human nature being what it is, pharmacists and addicts develop a bit of a relationship, which includes colusion to steal again from the public.

Sometimes they get caught.

Witness today's Vancouver Sun headline:

City seeks investigation into methadone kickback charges

City Councillor, Kerry Jang, is "outraged."

Does the good Councillor also know that...wait for it...drug addicts sell their pills daily on the street?

Yes. Imagine!

Unfortunately, council's favorite drama queen is outraged at the wrong thing, as he often is.

It hasn't yet occurred to Jang - or many other people in charge - that the whole business of providing addicts with an addictive substitute drug is outrageous and should be stopped at once if not sooner.

These cozy arrangements between users and providers have been going on for at least the 45 years that I've been involved in addiction and recovery issues.

What's new, Bub?

Huff and puff all you want.

There's only one useful and human and dignified change available to us in this sorry mess.

Stop it.

READ THIS

If you read no other editorial column this week, do yourself a favor and read today's piece in the Vancouver Sun. It is one of the best and most important items I've read in a long, long time.

Education of aboriginal children must be top priority

Issue has been acknowledged -but not addressed -since the 1960s

Tomorrow, the paper promises solutions, and I will eagerly await this follow-up.

But I can tell you right now what two elements must be.

1. Recruit, hire and deploy a kind of "navy seals" cadre of dedicated teachers who are prepared to start tomorrow and work very hard and very closely, one-on-one when necessary, to inspire aboriginal children to the joys and rewards of learning.

No studies or commissions please. Just do it.

2. Gather the parents and families and shake them from their liassez-faire approach to fostering and encouraging their kids to succeed in school. Do whatever it takes to bring families into that sense of pride and accomplishment that is essential for kids to revel in learning.

Passing Strange

Something bizarre has happened.

In the days past when I used to post new items on this blog site every day, I would average about 300 hits a day.

Recently, because I only post once or twice a week, I rarely get more than 200 hits.

But yesterday, a first.

1568 page loads

Wow!

What the heck was that all about?

I can't know for sure, but I have an idea.

Yesterdays post (PLUTO? URANUS?) was all about the BC Teachers federation.

Hm...

Could it be that one union member emailed or texted another union member and that person contacted three of her friends and so on?

Most mysterious.

That, and the 12 comments this morning suggests that I seem to have struck a noive.

Ouch!

UNBELIEVABLE!

This comment came from a regular contributor. I thought it deserved a post of its own. Read it and weep.

My son is a student at Lord Byng -- his French teacher (I won't name her) likes to check her Facebook account during class (which she leaves open on the computer, with no concern that a) the kids can see it; b) that it might be considered inappropriate; and c) that it sends a message that she is less than interested in her little charges and that it's really NOT all about the students). Did I mention that she also is in the habit of texting during class?

Toward the end of the first and second terms (although I understand that is going to be cut back to once per year) we are given the opportunity to set up 5 minute interviews with our childrens' teachers -- for the first term interviews we were unfortunately unable to get even one interview (and we weren't the only ones). Did they schedule another evening (I mean, we are talking 5 bloody minutes per student!)? Of course they didn't. I contacted each of my son's teachers by e-mail asking for some feedback in the form of a meeting or, at the very least, a phone call. Only one teacher met with me, the rest (with the exception of the aforementioned French teacher) replied that everything was fine and a meeting wasn't necessary. In order to get a basic (and I do mean basic) reply from the French teacher, I had to send two e-mail messages and leave two 'phone messages (the later a complaint to the counsellor) before a response was received. Perhaps I should have texted or Facebooked her!

Professional would be the last word I would use to describe this lot.

PLUTO? URANUS?

The BC Teachers Federation continues to reach out from somewhere on that hitherto unknown planet they inhabit.

Their most recent kvetch includes demands for 10 days bereavement leave for the death of a friend, 26 weeks of paid compassionate leave and two sick days a month that can be saved up.

Oh, did we mention the 22% increase in wages?

They are completely mad, totally irresponsible and, at core, very much like the entitled children entrusted in their care most week days - about whom, by the way, they care not a whit.

I am in general sympathetic to and often downright supportive of unions.

But these thoughtless folks are the game-changers.

I have learned first hand over the years that large numbers of their own membership are embarrassed and horrified by this union and further, that they are sufficiently cowed by the activists at the top to remain ever silent.

Pity.

And pity all of us the adversarial atmosphere that has held strong these many, many years between teachers and government.

Who knows? Maybe someday in our wildest dreams, the BCTF will grow out of its jumpers and diapers and sun-flowered shirts and make the occasional real deal.

Union Prez, Susan Lambert, is pictured above.

NO PROBLEM, PART ONE

NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON TEACHERS.

Most teachers are dedicated professionals trying every day to teach entitled little brats whose thumbs are permanently welded to their iPhones.

This is a comment on the two august bodies who tell us that they represent teachers.

The first is the famous BCTF, the local union whose membership often cringes at the relentless political animus spewing from its offices. We speak of this organization often in these pages, almost always with disgust.

Today, our focus is on the BC College of Teachers.

B.C. College of Teachers keeps some bad records spotless

Incidents of a sexual nature, violence, wiped from histories

Now, we don't know in which cases accusations proved to be false or harmless or pointless. No doubt there were some.

But Janet Steffenhagen's excellent feature in the morning Sun suggests that dangerous truths are being buried as well.

That's OK.

The BC College of Physicians and the Law Society are equally adept at truth-smothering, all in the interest of polishing the old image.

Circle the wagons, Pilgrim!

NO PROBLEM, PART TWO

Health care is our single biggest expense.

What punishment is appropriate for officials who steal from this pool?

The new electronic health monitoring system is running at $222 million to date.

A few months ago, a local doctor billed large amounts to this system and then pleaded to two counts of influence-peddling with government officials.

Dr. Jonathan Burns was sentenced to three years' probation and was ordered to perform 100 hours of community service. Six other charges against Burns, including fraud and breach of trust, were stayed.

Now, the former assistant deputy minister of health, Ron Danderfer, has pleaded guilty to fraud for accepting "considerations" for himself and his wife in the course of his duties.

His lawyer, of course, says that this kind of thing is the standard in private business. Nice.

The lawyer also whines that Danderfer has already suffered greatly from the attention the case has received in the media.

"It has been extremely trying for him. He's lost his job, he's lost the respect he had in the community, this has taken an amazing toll on him."

Boo effing hoo.

No doubt this thief will be asked to write an essay entitled, "My Bad."

Welcome to the peach-colored Land of No Consequences.

Jules Verne originally wrote about this place over a hundred years ago, but his publishers rejected the manuscript out of hand as being "too fantastical - not a soul on earth would believe that such a place exists."

LET GO!

Until yesterday, the great Roger Federer has been 178-0 when leading two sets to none in a five-set major tennis match.

Yesterday at Wimbledon, the six-time champion blew that 2 set lead and lost in five to Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Full credit to Tsonga who never faltered for a moment and drove through like a determined mad man to push Federer off the court.

But for those of us who have follwed Fed from the beginning and marvelled over and over again at his sublime athleticism and mind-boggling shot-making, Fed' s performance was more than disappointing.

It was downright annoying and frustrating.

How can you fault a guy who has experienced such success for his methodology?

Well, you can.

Federer has the most wonderful belief in himself, and that's understandable. He has 16 major singles titles, more than any other player.

But sometimes that belief gets in his way.

Yesterday, the commentators during the first two sets kept saying, "Federer's on cruise control."

And they were right.

Unfortunately, he stayed on cruise control for the next hour or so and lost the match.

He did that because he seems always to believe that he will pull this out of the hat.

What he had to do instead was let go of his stoic exterior and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.

He settled back on his heels into a largely defensive game exactly when he needed to fire out on all cylinders.

Easy enough for me to say, I realize.

Many of us are looking forward to witnessing more history when Roger Federer collects his 17th and 18th and maybe more Grand Slam trophy.

But it won't happen with the current game plan.

I had the extraordinary pleasure of watching Boris Becker in person at the Italian Open turn around a losing proposition by sheer will and determination. You could see on his face the thought that went something like this, "Who are you kidding? I am Boris Becker! Get out of my way, Buddy!"

Like millions of tennis fans, I am waiting to see Roger turn on the same kind of juice when he needs to...and against the quality of players now in his path, he will need to many times.

THE BEAT GOES ON

Recently, I posted a monologue that began, "All governments are corrupt."

Soon I received the following note from my friend and colleague of many years, Mike Harcourt:

Jeez David what the hell did you put in your 10 th Ave cappuccino to write such a bitter and twisted diatribe!
Mike H

So I replied:

Hi Mike,

I am sorry that you found this monologue bitter and twisted or that you may have taken personal offense.

There are good people doing good work with the best motivations in every walk of life, including elected officials and public servants.

But the systems themselves, I believe, are by nature, corrupting.

The evidence is before us every day.

This is simply a call to remain ever vigilant.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that 50% of all government employment and activities are useless, senseless sops. The cost of government is and has been for a long time completely out of any reasonable control.

If you'd like to characterize these observations as “bitter and twisted,” you are free to do that.

But I am a happy guy. I enjoy life.

And I enjoy the freedom to laugh at the Emperor’s New Clothes.

Cheers,

Then Mike closed the discussion with:

David,Vancouver's budget goes to Police,Fire and Engineering services-75 %. Most of the rest is for our fabulous parks and recreation system,culture. The rest is to manage planning and development,and collect taxes and fees to pay for these basic services to citizens.
If you examine the provincial budget 75 % goes to health,education and social services. Most of the rest-20% goes to transportation and the administration of justice.
The national government's $200 billion budget almost 1/2 flows back to individuals as OAP,CCP and other direct income transfers;or equalization payments to poorer provinces;or health,education or social service cost sharing. A huge chunk of the remaining budget is for defence,prisons and other basic functions.
Now agreed there is some waste,dubious programs,incompetence,and some lying self serving politicians and civil servants(a very small number in my experience).
Compared to the sub prime mortgage,real estate scammers,bankers,bond rating agencies who trashed the world economy in 2008,who should you be venting your wrath at?
Just trying to bring a little perspective to these issues old pal. Not to take it too personally. To be continued.
Mike H

I have posted this lively debate with Mike's permission.

Soon, we will meet at a White Spot for our quarterly breakfast and the arguments and laughs and camaraderie will continue.

Mike Harcourt is a former Mayor of Vancouver and Premier of the Province of British Columbia and not a bad Sunday tennis player. Neither of us got to Wimbledon.

PERSPECTIVE from SUSAN HEYES

Where is the relief fund from multi-billion dollar SNC Lavalin, and their “ DEAR CAMBIE MERCHANTS: I LOVE YOU ” tee shirts”?

Where is any accountability for the many years of unmitigated relentless losses caused by the built-for-profit Canada Line project?

The healing needs to begin for merchants who have had their life’s work torched by all the Canada Line partners.

Susan

Riot relief fund for small businesses launched in Vancouver

VIVIAN LUK

Vancouver— Globe and Mail Update

Published Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2011 3:02PM EDT

Last updated Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2011 3:06PM EDT

Small businesses that are struggling to cover insurance premiums or other repair costs resulting from riot damages can now apply for up to $7000 from a relief fund co-ordinated by the Vancouver Economic Development Commission.

Contributors to the fund, called the Vancouver Restoration Fund, aim to raise $150,000 to help about 55 downtown Vancouver businesses that suffered damages to windows, doors, furniture, fixtures and equipment during the Stanley Cup riot on June 15.

Both Vancity and Telus have contributed $50,000 each, while sports merchandise store The Fan Zoo is hoping to raise the same amount from selling #DEARVANCOUVER: I LOVE YOU T-shirts. To The Point Tattoo will be donating a percentage of its revenues to the fund.

“Vancouverites were in need of a way to come together and show their pride and appreciation for their city,” said Bobby Atwal, president of The Fan Zoo in a statement. “This is about supporting the businesses that serve all of us in the downtown core and in many cases they missed watching playoff games themselves while they served us.”

Businesses can go to vancouvereconomic.com for details about applications and donations.

STATE OF THE ONION

All governments are corrupt.

Some are just more tainted than others.

There can be no other way.

Whether elected by ballot or propelled by sticks and stones, the inhabitants of the castle are always playing with the coin of the realm.

That is, your money.

The kings, prime ministers, presidents, despots-for-life, kleptogenerals or whatever title they may wrap about their shoulders have not been tending the fields or the flock, re-soling the shoes or sailing the rugged waters to bring back bounty from distant lands.

They have been taxing or stealing or muscling funds from the people who work - you.

Not all government actions are dreadful.

Just most.

Occasionally, a man nor woman in government will do a good deed. They will treat some poor local sufferer with kindness. They will act reasonably.

This is the exception, not the rule.

The official story is always suspect.

If not an outright lie, it is at the least a marvelous thigh-slapping whopper.

Take the Canadian Senate...please.

You work.

Larry Campbell plays.

He has air fares, secretaries, lunches and a life-time sinecure.

Triple E senate is a three-Monte scam. The only reasonable senate is no senate. We don't need one. We need to spend our billions of dollars on other things.

The police are in disarray. Not just at Georgia and Homer, but across the country. Demoralized, understaffed, without leadership and clarity.

Every day, some school trustee or Member of Parliament or other elected or appointed official is found criminally responsible for some felony or other - theft, fraud, sexual misconduct, addictions, madness, lack of humour.

The teachers' union doesn't want their members to be scrutinized too closely for job performance. No tests, no evaluations. And that's just for the students. No matter. The kids are taking the tests anyway and doing just fine.

How are we to impress upon those who run for office and then how are we to remind them that this is public money with which they are playing their childish games.

You have your own personal fortunes? Good. Go ahead. Build bike lanes that no one uses.

Tear up main streets and destroy small businesses.

Open places for drug addicts to be drug addicts and for prostitutes to be prostitutes and call this progress.

On your own dollar, please.

All governments are corrupt.

In 2001, friends picked me up at Inchon airport and drove me into Seoul over the cleanest, firmest, straightest piece of highway I have ever seen. I asked from the back seat, "Who's cousin got the cement contract?" My hosts thankfully didn't get my impolite joke.

The next morning I came downstairs to the breakfast room in the hotel (Korean, American and Japanese breakfasts on tap), chose my fare and opened up the English language newspaper.

What was the headline story?

The Highway Cement Scandal.

Somebody's cousin was at the center of the story.

All governments are corrupt.

If you even knew how many people are working, for example, for the Canadian federal government in this city doing obscure, unnecessary, largely political backroom jobs that add nothing to the common weal, you would throw up. These faceless bastards have six-figure jobs. They are plotters and plodders. They are deemed necessary to the smooth working of your government. They all have i Phones.

All governments are corrupt.

Some are just more corrupt than others.

They are playing with your money.

They are naughty, irresponsible children.

We mustn't take them too seriously.

They are good targets for fun and ridicule.

ARAB SPRING

Low Productivity? Pish Tosh!

Who says Canada is a real slug in the productivity department?

No longer!

Canada is a leading source of synthetic drugs: report

So there, ye of little faith.

Turns out we have much about which we can crow.

The entire glorious tale is here in today's Globe.

I'M, LIKE, SO BETTER NOW

Two wonderful new entries in The Riot Stakes had me in stitches this morning.

Gawd! I love a morning laugh!

Here's the first:

NO TALK OF POSSIBLE TROUBLE ON GAME DAY.

Apparently, the secret words of the day - "trouble" and "riot" crossed nobody's happy lips at the Police Board meeting.

The Police Chief and the Mayor were both in attendance.

Hahahahahahaha...

OK. That was pretty good.

But the second Class in Public Mythology 304 was even funnier.

Bike Lane Chicken Coop Puppet Mayor has assembled a Spin Group called 'THE VANCOUVER BRAND TEAM."

Hahahahahahahahahahaha...

Ain't life here in Oz just swell, Dorothy?

The Team's job?

Glad you asked.

Sitting down?

Here it comes...

"Community Healing."

Isn't that nice?

I have a question.

When did this spittle borrowed from the lexicon of "grief counseling," enter the public realm and find spurious legitimacy?

If I hear from the mouth of another anchor desk newscaster the word "healing," I am going to hurl all over my tiny retro-TV.

The official story managers are all hard at work. The consultants are all on board. Full steamed latte ahead!

Fun Exchange

Jeff Taylor said...

David, if you want to see the real reason our society is in so much trouble, please take a moment to read this blog written by a young woman whom recently came out from behind the riot's shadows. I couldn't believe what I was reading !

http://camillecacnioapology.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/dear-vancouver-i-am-sorry/#comment-436

June 20, 2011 12:13 PM

David Berner said...

Dear Jeff Taylor,

I have read with interest the blog post you quoted above and I have watched the video of her running out of the store with STOLEN GOODS, and I must say that I don't buy one word of it.

There is something essentially wrong with this young woman's character.

After her apology, she might try paying for the window and the STOLEN GOODS and cleaning up the city streets every night for a month or two.

She is like so many people sitting on the bus next to us.

She wears the easy veneer of civility, while not far below the surface she is a savage.

The worst thing about global warming is the loss of ice flows.